I NEVER

“No, I didn’t.

I never said that.

I never said that! No, I did not.

No, I did not.

Well, guess what, that’s what you heard.

Oh, really, who else?

Bull shit! You’re talking out of your ass right now.

No, he didn’t. No, he didn’t. And I know that for a fact.

Because I was there all night!

What are you talking about? He’s one of my best friends for Christ sake.

What? Oh, Christ? Come on! Why would that matter?

So what? It was a Fucking Christmas Party!

I’m sorry that I know how to play the piano. It must have been very hard growing up poor.

Fuck me? Fuck YOU! Listen, I don’t know what Kathy told you. First of all, she wasn’t even there for most of it. Her and Tammy didn’t even get there until after 7:00 because they waited until the last minute to pick up Weinstein’s gift.

What? That fucking wood thing from, what…. who gives a Shit? That twat wasn’t even there. Okay? Second, it was a CHRISTMAS party, okay? CHRIST-mas. That’s what it was. Sorry, but…you know, that’s the holiday. Everyone agrees. And finally, I’ve known Marty for eighteen years. He was my first roommate, my best friend all through college. I’ve known his parents just as long, and they know me. They love me like another son. More than Josh, that piece of shit. And they know that I would never do anything to hurt them. Everybody knows Charlie Brown Christmas – ‘Oh Christmas Tree” ‘? And everyone knows the dreidel song, yes, I was just having some fun.

What? Everyone knows The Flight of the Valkyries too! So what? So I put them all together. They sounded good together. Who gives a shit!

Okay, well, I’ve known them for almost twenty years. I’ve known you, what, year and a half? If you’re embarrassed, then get your shit and get the fuck out!

Yeah, yeah…. yup.

I don’t know! How will I ever find another twenty-three-year-old piece of ass? How long did it take me to get you? Oh, that’s right, I started fucking you when I was still married. That was a real challenge. Oh shit, what am I gonna do, I…I don’t…oh yeah, that’s right, I live within a mile of a Denny’s and a cosmetology school. No problem. So just get your shit and….

Oh my God! Throwing my keys in the toilet! And the Oscar goes too….”

“I’m just saying, I know that you know that I was just - that it was just a joke Marty. Not even a joke even, just, whatever, you know. I was just playing the piano. And I know your parents know how much I love and respect them.

I know, I know. Of course I’m going to talk with them. I just wanted to talk to you first because, to, you know, front-load the conversation with love. You know I love you, right? I mean Jesus. Shit, I’m sorry.

I know, I just feel like it’s an issue now, I don’t want it to be one…. but.

What? Come on, no. Marty, that’s so stupid, I’m sorry but….

Well yeah, but…. No, I’m just saying. Okay, listen – Derrek and I have had a thing for a while. I don’t know why, honestly. I like him. He’s a good worker, okay? Whatever he said that Shana said to him – is bullshit. Okay? Straight up B.S. Fuck that guy, I don’t know what his deal is.

Okay, what did he say?

What! Oh, come on!

Yeah, but….

Yeah, but that’s not what….

Right, but. Marty, listen, okay? If I ever said she was a crime fighter for getting an abortion, it wasn’t because she’s black, it’s because Shana is a piece of shit! How many kids? By how many daddies? Do you remember the last year in the dorms, that hood rat that we picked up and the whole floor ran a train on her? Shana. That was Shana! Tell me that’s not her!

I know, I’m kidding. I know, I’m sorry. Look, let’s just, will you ask your dad if I could talk to him? Tell him what I said, okay?”

“Yes Sir, yes.

Never Sir, never. I just… Sir I just wanted to say that…

Yes Sir, I’m sorry. Please go ahead.                                                                                                                             

But Sir, no, but…

But Sir, I just.

Yes Sir.

Yes Sir. I’m sorry. I am so, so very sorry Sir.

No Sir.                      

No Sir.                                    

No Sir.                         

I understand. Of course, that, that’s very generous, thank you. Please thank Marten for me too. Take care, Sir.”

“Thank you, mom, that’s what I needed to hear. You have a gift mom. You know just how to….

Yeah, great, no thanks. 

Well, that doesn’t help.

I told you what would. What I needed.

Why, because of Carlos?

Shut up mom! I’m not calling him…

Because that his name! How does that help? Is that helping him fit in, calling him Charlie? No, it’s not.

Then let him BE different!

He is!

Yes, yes, I know mom. I hate him because dad would have hated him, right? Right? I’m just dad? 

Yeah, yeah, well at least dad gave a shit. Look at what he did to get you here. Get all of us here, to this neighborhood. And as soon as he dies you pollute it with someone you know he would have hated. And why? So you can prove you’re better? Why do you think nobody talks to you anymore? They think you’re stupid.

Yes, they do. Yes they do! Well guess what?

Yeah well… Yeah well guess what?

What? What mom?

Really? Okay, well listen, I still talk to all the guys from the neighborhood.

Yes, yes, and Chris.

Yes, and Jack. You mean Teller, the Teller’s son, Jeff? Mom, he’s dead.

Yes he is.

Whatever. Are you going to help me or just stand by while Charlie spends all my dad’s money on scratch-offs and a set of sweet dubs for his six-four?

What! Fuck you, you old bitch.”

“Well I just don’t see how that…

Yes sir, I understand that, but…

Yes, but what I am saying is that it would seem to me that it would make more sense for you to allow me to keep it, considering the amount of equity I have in it already and th…

Yes, I know that sir.                                       

Right.                                     

Right.                                         

Right. 

Sir, (clears throat) Mr. Huen, I understand completely what you are saying. I’m sure you can understand the difficulties that can arise when one is between careers….

Certainly, and that’s why I’m just asking for two more….

Yes, but.                                                           

Please. No, I’m asking – Please.

Please.

Please! Mr. Hang – Huen! Huen! Mr. Huen, please! Just give me the two….

Are you fucking kidding me?

You fucking dink piece of shit! I’m gonna fucking… Hello?                                                                                                 

FUCK!”

“Yeah buddy, ain’t it the truth. Well, just look at them – all of ‘em. It’s just…. And then they say ‘Well, they have rights, too’. Don’t we?

Right.

Right.

That’s Right. That’s what I’m saying.

Exactly. Well, what are you gonna do? I mean, the important thing is that we got the right guy in the White House. Know what I mean? I mean…

Yeah, yeah – right. Let’s build the fucking thing. Right?

Absolutely, me too. You want another?

Not on draft. I have it in bottles.

For sure, yeah so what are you up for, hunting?

Sort of?

Okay, well – what’s that?

Oh, no… No, I haven’t.

No shit?

Yeah, of course, the stone statue over at the campground.

Yeah, well, we all know it, so….

Really? Because of the Civil War? Come on!

Okay, yeah okay. Yeah, I’ll check it out.

You ready to settle up?

Alright, so what do I need to bring, anything? No guns, right?

No, I know. Right, I’ve seen the rallies on T.V.

Okay, yeah – just learn the songs and…

Right, back each other up. Right. Right, okay sounds good.

Yeah, I’ll see you there.”

“Blood and soil! Blood and soil! Blood and soil! Blood and soil! Blood and soil! Blood and….

Fuck you! Fuck you, you piece of shit!

Bullshit! You’re not touching it.

Oh yeah? Come and try it. Come and try it. Come and try it.

Yeah, yeah, that’s right. Fuck’n monkey. Fuck’n Monkey! Piece of shit! Shit Baby! Shit Baby! Shit Baby! Shit Baby! Shit Bab – Ah! You fuck!

That piece of shit right there.

Right there! Fuck that monkey up! Fuck him up! Hold him still! Hold him still! I’m gonna stomp your fucking head off! Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Fucking pigs! Fucking pigs! Get off me! Get off me you pig! God damn it! The whole country! Ahhhhhh! The whole country is run by a bunch of pigs and dinks and kikes and monkeys! Fuck ‘em alllllllll! You – Will NOT – Replace US! You – Will NOT – Replace US! You – Will NOT – Replace US! You – Will NOT – Replace US! You – Will NOT – Replace US! You – Will NOT – Replace US! You – Will NOT – Replace US! Jews – Will NOT – Replace US! Jews – Will NOT – Replace US! Jews – Will NOT – Replace US!”

“Thank you (clears throat). On the afternoon of August 23rd of last year, I participated in a rally. A rally which was orchestrated and led by a group of individuals who had no intention of putting forth a peaceful demonstration. Their goals were more sinister. To cause mayhem, confusion, panic and alarm. Their goals were equally nefarious. They wanted to cause harm and destruction to the people and places of this great city. I participated in this rally with the full knowledge of their intentions. As you’ve heard from a number of witnesses these last two days, this behavior and these actions are not indicative of my upbringing or my nature. At that time I thought that something had been taken away from me. Something that was owed to me. I was angry about the state my life was in, but unable and ultimately unwilling to see that my own actions had brought me to where I was. This anger manifested itself in my participation in these crimes. These actions were a result of extremely poor judgement on my part brought about by a series of difficult and psychologically damaging events in my life. During my time in incarceration while awaiting trial I have repeatedly shown my desire to reconcile what I have done and begin to give back to the community. I’ve completed all anger management courses, as well as college courses in abuse counseling. And I’ve worked a steady job in the prison library since my transfer. This is not an excuse. It is not a cop-out. This is a sincere apology. I want to apologize today, directly to the surviving family members.  To the Johnston family, I am deeply sorry for the pain I have caused you. I am responsible for my part in the taking of your son, Franklin. Were I able to reverse my actions and return your son to life, I would. I accept full responsibility for my deeds and throw myself before the mercy of the court.

Thank you, your Honor.”

“Yeah, well like I said, I understand.

It’s like anything. The first year was the fastest. I had the most visitors, all my old friends showed up to give their support, once or twice. My parents, of course. But even they’re seven, eight hours away, so. I get it. You attend the funeral, lay the flowers, say goodbye. Then you gotta move on. Life goes on.  So, but yeah, when I saw that money on my commissary account, ya know. I thought ‘Who the hell?’. I would have never thought. And I’m sorry by the way that I refused that visit before. They wouldn- [THREE MINUTES REMAINING]

I said they wouldn’t tell me, they said they couldn’t tell me who put it on the account and that I had to make a request to Human Services for the information. Fuck that. In the end it’s still free money, right? But honestly, thank you. The food they serve in here is shit. I’ve seen mother fuckers with no one on the outside waste away in here. Or do whatever they had to not to waste away. I don’t know what’s worse. But like I said, ya know, all that stuff from before, I mean, I hope you know – ya know? I was just shit-talk’n because I was pissed-off, right. I just, well, fuck it. Past is past. I’m not gonna worry about it. I’ve got too much to deal with in here. Oh yeah, that’s the other…. Your cousin, I didn’t know that ‘Lil G was your boy. Listen, you still talk to him, right?

Hey, tell him ‘What’s Up?’ for me, will ya? Tell him I’m cool, okay? I don’t want any beef with them Black Gorilla fucks. I swear, I was [ONE MINUTE REMAINING]

Shit. Well, that’s that. Listen I really do appreciate it man, I mean…Derrek…Thank you. For everything that I said to you, and about Shana, listen, I just want to say – I’m sor” – [YOUR TIME IS UP. RETURN TO YOUR CELL.]

 

Next
Next

Shuffling Songs by Elliott Smith